Mayhem in the streets! Emergency services collapse! Looting, raping and pillaging spread!
Call out the national guard! (Wait – does Canada have a national guard? shite, why didn’t we think of this earlier…)
All this because Vancouver is under a boil-water advisory due to landslides caused by heavy rains that have increased turbidity in the tap-water supply. (Vancouver’s newest fave word – “turbidity” – rolling luxuriously off tongues everywhere.)
A crazed man, obviously in the last stages of dehydration, panting, glassy-eyed, ran over a reporter’s toes at Costco with a shopping cart full of bottled water.
A woman standing nearby, watching the water scrum, with a cart in which water was noticeably absent, laconically remarked to the reporter: “It’s raining. Put out a bucket.”
The fundamental social structure is breaking down. The survivalists were right – head for the hills and claim your hollow stump while you can.
Pete McMartin in the Vancouver Sun: “This emergency message is to inform you that you possibly may not die of thirst.”
“For many of us the emergency meant no change to our routine, since we continued to do what we have always done, which is drink wine.” ibid.
27,694 people will call into work sick on Monday with gastrointestinal disorders. 27,546 of them will be lying.
1,275,983 people have had their chicken-little beliefs in immanent doom validated.